Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
