So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
