The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
