Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
