Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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