I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
