As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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