Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
