why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
