so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
