I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
