3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
