the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
