Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have demons in me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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