I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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