there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
