I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
