and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
