i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
