just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
