im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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