All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
