dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
