Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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