I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
