I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
