I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
