he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
