We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
