omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
