he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
