just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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