whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
