Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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