I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
