If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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