As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
