I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
