so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
