I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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