I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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