Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
COCAINE IS GR8
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
