awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
