my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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