i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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