i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
