Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
