rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
