i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
