8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
